MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT: TIPS FROM A SEX THERAPIST

For most people, sexual function is often an issue associated with anxiety and performance. We all aspire to be a good lover and to please both our partners and ourselves. Unfortunately for many of us, however, sexual skills seem to be defined by physical abilities. Although men may define sex in a physical way, this is not the case for the majority of women. What sexually arouses a man is very different from what arouses a woman. Too often, such an obvious fact gets ignored!

There are subtle differences between men and women and paying attention to these differences can make a man a better lover. Sometimes, paying attention to these simple differences can make a significant change in the quality of a sexual encounter.

Men show their love differently than women. Men tend to believe that they are showing their love by doing things for and with their partners. These include financially supporting a woman, spending time with her, going for a walk, watching TV, going to a restaurant, getting the car fixed and having sex. This kind of love is called. "shared activity". A man shows his love by spending time with his partner and doing things with her. Words are not necessary.

Women, on the other hand, show their love by discussion and personal sharing. This is the kind of thing women do with each other. There is a heavy emphasis on verbal communication. Emotional intimacy is the main theme. Love is demonstrated by being honest about feelings, being open and talking about the relationship.

Women appreciate men who can, on occasion, talk about their feelings and be open and vulnerable. If you’re feeling anxious about sex or concerned about an erection, why not say so? If you appreciate her in some special way, why not say that too?

Women also want a man who can say, "Honey, I love you". No chronic illnesses prevent a man from pleasing their partner in this important way. Men simply don’t realize how important it is to say these words.

Men relate physically and women relate emotionally. Stop and think for a moment how society has taught men to relate to each other. They shake hands, slap each other on the back and hug one another. Men give "bear hugs" to each other on important occasions. A father and son relate by wrestling. Men and boys do things together. They play ball, tackle each other and play soccer on Saturday mornings. For men, words have nothing to do with relating. Action is the name of the game. This is one reason why a sexual problem can be so difficult for guys. Society hasn’t taught men how to talk about these issues. Embarrassment often prevents verbal communication.

Not surprisingly, women have been socialized to relate with words. Women feel that there is hope for a relationship to the extent that the couple can talk about problems. Most women don’t enjoy talking about cars, sports or the things that interest a guy. They feel cared about if they are complimented, appreciated and romanced in soft, loving kinds of ways. Women like to be told that they look nice or that their assistance is appreciated. Men often take these things for granted and see little need to go into such details. They feel that women should just "know" these things and that saying them is not necessary. Why waste words?

For many people, sexual functioning is often an issue associated with anxiety and a focus on performance. For most of us, satisfying and pleasing one’s partner is a high priority. However, what sexually arouses a man is very different than what arouses a woman. Too often, such an obvious fact gets ignored! Often, paying attention to these differences can make a man a better lover. At other times, paying attention to these simple distinctions can make a significant change in the quality of a sexual encounter.

Women want men who are fully in the present moment. Most men never think about how "present" they are during intimate moments with their partner or wife. Men can be caught up in their own private sexual fantasies or focused on their sexual performance. Some guys see nothing wrong with watching a game on TV while making love to their wife.

Men can easily be more concerned about the quality of their erection than whether their partner is feeling emotionally connected and cared for. Feeling uptight during sex, worrying about other matters or "observing" your performance can all take away from the romance of an intimate encounter. These thoughts are distractions and keep a man out of the "present".

Emotional closeness can be uncomfortable for many men. Thus, strangely enough, the intimacy of the sexual act can easily be anxiety provoking. Often, men deal with these uncomfortable feelings by "emotionally pulling away", focusing on performance or being angry and frustrated during sex. There is almost nothing that can improve a man’s ability to be a good lover more than by staying emotionally connected and caring during lovemaking. It is important to stay focused on what is happening in the present and share these moments together. Put on soft music rather than the TV.

Women get aroused by words and touch while men often get aroused by what they see. For men, seeing a beautiful woman or looking at erotic pictures is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Erotic pictures, magazines and videos do not serve the same purpose for women. Seeing a naked male body doesn’t turn a woman on in the same way that a naked female body arouses a man. Thus, while watching an x-rated video during sex may sound great for the guy, it can be a complete turn off for his partner.

Touch is another difference between men and women. Touching for the man is a means to an end. Men are only interested in being touched on the genitals or on erotic areas such as the nipples. Being touched anywhere else is a waste of time and energy.

Women are very different. Touch conveys a sense of caring, romance and affection. Most women enjoy being touched on any part of the body as long as it is done softly and affectionately. Often, women enjoy being touch in non-sexual areas even more than being touched on the breasts or genitals. This seems completely foreign to most guys! Again, it’s the romance and the emotional closeness conveyed by touch that is important for a woman. Being a better lover, for the man, means turning off the erotic video and spending the time touching and caressing whenever possible.

In summary, sex therapists tend to focus on bridging the differences and improving communication between men and women. Often for many couples, having a sexual dysfunction can reduce communication or make it nonexistent. By improving communication and trust, a couple can often achieve a new level of closeness and intimacy.


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